Sunday, April 13, 2014

You Can Go Home Again???

As many of you know, I'm on a house hunt. After surviving an unexpected divorce, I moved home to save money to get a roof over my head for me and my son. This was a tough decision, but a necessary one, since I didn't have a pot to pee in. But as they say, you can never go home again. But I did.  Though I am eternally grateful to my wonderful parents for allowing me to do this, it is not without it's quirks.  When I left home, I was about 21. Returning home I was twice that age. Here is what I have observed about living with "the senior citizens", as I so lovingly call my folks:
1. Retired people spend about 75% of their day looking for their glasses.
2. I get the Daily Bowel Report from my mom.
3. Forget the weather man.  Dad predicts the weather with his arthritis with 95% accuracy.
4. My mom has seen all the store bathrooms within a 20 mile radius of our house.
5. Dad can't hear mom.
6. Mom can't hear Dad.
7. Yet they still yell to each other from another room, and get no reply for some strange reason.
8. TV watching in two separate rooms means I get to hear Judge Judy in stereo.
9. Jeopardy time is a NO TALKING zone.
10.  Mom makes statements to Dad like "I've been with you all these years and I'm still amazed at the sounds that come out of your body". It's like Ozzie and Harriet.
11. Dad has had the same bath robe since 1975.
12. Mom has had the same nightgowns since 1987.
13.They have taken to collecting weird stuff. Dad, large toy insects...Mom, hoarding scissors and pens in the bathroom closet. What is up with that mom???
14. I call them the "Jewish Zombies" in the mornings as they shuffle towards the kitchen, grabbing the bottle of Advil on the way to the coffee pot. "Oyyy....oh my back....Oyyyy, moan moan,, shuffle shuffle, Oyyyyy..."
15.  I have adjusted to the TV on volume setting "68". Which means I am slowly becoming deaf, too.
16. Dad goes panicky if Mom is gone for more than an hour.
17. Mom never has her cell phone turned on/powered up/with her.
18. Equals three voicemails on my phone from Dad asking where Mom is.
19. TCM is on so much I forget that TV comes in color.
20.  The Bengay tube looks a lot like the toothpaste tube in the medicine cabinet. Just sayin.
21.  Married since 1968, my parents have been committed to one another, through good times and the bad, and are still the best of friends. They yell at each other, laugh together, lean on each other, and are moving through the "back 9" together and look GREAT despite all the aches and pains. They make me laugh and have my UPMOST respect for what they have done for me by allowing me into their home. They are "old school" in the BEST sense of the term, and by that I mean loyal, sensible, responsible, loving, and the head of a great family. And I love'm to death.