Monday, February 11, 2013

Have you ever had one of those moments late at night where you close your eyes real tight and go back in time? You clear your mind to a blank screen and slip back, way back, before kids, before marraige, before aches and pains and bad knees. Before tanking 401k's and arguements over money. Before holiday visits to the in-laws, and before working for the man to make a lousy buck. And you remember that fresh, wrinkle-free kid at nineteen or twenty. No stretch marks, still on mom and dad's dime, still innocent and ignorant of the realities of adult life as you currently know it. What a time. The world was a spotless, white canvas and you were ready to fill it with color. Knowing what you know now, knowing the twists of fate, the unexpected heartbreaks or disappointments, the dreams that fell short or the shortcomings you have discovered about yourself...would you change anything. Would you?? I remember lying in bed in my dorm and wondering...what would i be like when i was old, you know, at age thirty. What would my husband look like, and my many? About getting my doctorate and being a leading child psychologist..."Why yes! I am Dr. So-and-So...did you page me? I'm so sorry, I must've left my pager in the Jaguar." Warp-speed forward to today. I am middle-aged, fighting against the gray army encroaching on my head, never able to shed those ten (er...fifteen) pounds. I always wanted a gaggle of kids. It didn't happen. I never got that PhD. I am NEVER dressed for success (someone tried to buy me lunch the other day because I looked like a hobo). I fail...a lot. My marraige tanked. My crows feet are setting in. My back is crooked like that street in San Francisco. I work until I drop, and sometimes that's not enough to pay the bills. I have insomnia. I lose it with my kids. I live with my parents. I worry. I eat too much. I throw visual darts at the young girls bouncing up and down on the treadmills at the gym. I'm always a day late and dollar short. And childbirth has taken away my ability to sneeze or do jumping jacks without seriously embarrassing consequences. Nothing turned out how I thought it would. Absolutely nothing. Would I go back and change a thing....WOULD I??? ....NO. The paths I chose, good and bad, have led me to right where I sit...right at this computer screen clacking these particular words. And here's what's great about it... Signs of aging have somehow given me the confidence to tell people like it is. And that I aint'uh taken no guff. The saddle bags make me a real woman, not a stick figure...all warm and squishy and huggy, like a Mom should be. I didn't have a bunch of kids but I am blessed beyond belief with a stepdaughter who I love with all my heart, and a little boy who makes my world so big, and bright and colorful, I can hardly get my head around it. I may not be book smart, but I sure learned everything that matters at the School of Hard Knocks. My crooked back is stronger than it ever was because of all that hard work I do. It feels better than when I was younger, because it's always challenged. I used to be a lazy thing. Now I bust a move and you better try and keep up. I may be a tough mom, but I've got the greatest job in the world, teaching my kids how to be respectful of others and be good people (or so help me I'll get out the wooden spoon!). I have more friends than I ever could have hoped for or deserve. I am blessed with a great family that loves and supports me. That's HUGE. As for jumping jacks....who the heck wants to do those anyways??? I know more my mind and my goals, where I came from and where I'm headed, than any other time in my life. My feet, though they may have bunions, are firmly grounded in faith, work, friends, and family. All this is to say that I never envisioned winding up owning a shop like mine. Everything I have lived, all of it, culminates what is The Shabby Attic. And we are really doing somenthing phenomenal. I am excited every day to jump out of bed and get to work and do something so creative and extraordinary. It's my life as I know it, and it's moving forward at full speed ahead. And it's never going back.